Body Positive

A few weeks ago, I was sunning on the patio, and I found myself peeling off layers of clothing. Before I knew it, I had a camera set up to snap away at my naked body. As a model and actress, I have my picture taken a lot, usually wearing designer clothes. With a passion for photography, I'm always inspired to take photos of the beautiful shapes and aesthetics that I find around me, but this time, my own body became the subject of intrigue.

I'm in my early sixties now, and after decades of taking great care of myself, I suddenly found it incredibly hard to control my body shape. I'm menopausal, which is frustrating in itself; you'd think that by this age I'd be done with the hot flashes, but no, I still wake up twice a night, shedding off blankets and trying to settle my tingling body. As soon as the flashes started in my early fifties, I noticed my energy level dropping and my midriff expanding; it was confusing for me. I wasn't able to go to the gym as often as I would have liked; my muscles would become fatigued a lot quicker. I found that my whole workout routine slowed right down because a longer recuperation time disrupted the momentum. It was constantly two steps forward and one and a half steps behind. Finally, it was a strategy I had to concede to; it took a long time to surrender to the reality of my body changing.

It was all taking its toll on my psyche. I would see images of older women with perfect physiques, or compare myself with younger women, which was completely ridiculous. It was all because I did not want to fall into the middle-aged spread syndrome that was so easily accepted. I thought, how could this be happening? I was so diligent, so thoughtful with my food and exercise; I hadn't had kids to stretch or stress my body, so why? Then I started modelling, way to go, my body image problems just got worse. I wasn't that confident to begin with; nevertheless, I enjoyed the job immensely, so I threw myself into dieting, but with lockdown and incredible cravings, it became a hopeless and delusional process.

There are so many factors that go into why our bodies look the way they do, and how they change, whether it's hormonal, trauma, or genetic; we each have our own stories to tell through our bodies. I remember when I was young, my body sprang back like an elastic band, but as the ageing machine started its gears, the change became foreign territory, uncontrollable and disempowering. So I could either devote the rest of my life and money to retain the slender girlish figure, or I could reconcile myself to the limitations of my efforts. My reconciliation came after I visited an art exhibition, Flesh After Fifty and various Instagram accounts like Tyran Brumfitt's @bodyimagemovement.

I didn't think much about the content I was consuming on the subject at the time; in fact, I felt that my efforts weren't getting me anywhere, until one day I started taking photos of my own body. Then I became my own social content. It wasn't easy, I thought about it for a while, but I felt the need to let others know that it was ok to not have the perfect body that I had dreamt of, and instead that I was proud of my efforts to at least try to achieve a healthy, fit and limber body, and that I wasn't going to stress about it anymore. I heard a message coming through from my subconscious that it was important to love myself just the way I am and feel body positive. I was sick of being obsessive or complaining about my dissatisfaction; it was futile and annoying, to myself and others, I'm sure. It doesn't mean I've given up, it just means that I have accepted the change and to go with it, and not stress what I don't have anymore, but work with what I do have, and find my way to achieve my own personal goals, as they say, its the journey, not the destination that's important, so why not enjoy the journey as much as possible, life is too short not to.